24 July 2025
How to Lead Yourself First: A practical guide to self-regulation
By
Kate Hill
Self-regulation doesn’t mean pretending you’re fine. It means knowing what’s going on inside your head, heart, and body — and choosing how you respond. Especially when emotions run high.
Because leadership starts with yourself. And if you can’t manage your own reactions, thoughts and behaviours, it’s impossible to lead others well.
What is self-regulation?
Self-regulation isn’t about bottling your feelings or pretending everything’s fine. It’s not about masking your true self, or being inauthentic - that’s just too hard to sustain long term. It’s also not about toxic positivity.
It’s about noticing what’s happening internally — your emotions, your thoughts, your physical signals — and choosing how to respond, instead of reacting on autopilot.
It allows you to:
Keep your cool when things heat up
Make decisions based on your values, not your mood
Give feedback without blame
Set boundaries without guilt
Lead with clarity, not chaos
Or, if sometimes you fall into a ‘Linda’ moment like this one…
Linda storms out of the meeting, sends a snippy message in the team WhatsApp, avoids eye contact with anyone who disagreed with her for the rest of the day, and then the next day reappears with a tight smile and a breezy “Let’s just move on” energy that fools no one.
Self-awareness vs. self-regulation
I work with separating two concepts:
Self-awareness is noticing what’s happening inside you: your triggers, patterns, and emotional shifts
Self-regulation is what you do with that awareness
Think of it as the space between stimulus and response. Someone challenges your idea in a meeting. You feel your heart rate spike. You want to snap or shut down.
Self-awareness notices it. Self-regulation says, "Not now. Let’s choose a better response."
Why it matters so much
When you don’t self-regulate, you risk:
Overreacting or withdrawing in key moments
Undermining your leadership in front of others
Damaging relationships
Ending the day feeling ashamed or exhausted
It’s not always explosive. It’s often subtle: a sigh in a 1:1, a dismissive tone, a rushed decision you later regret. These small moments chip away at trust and credibility.
What’s actually going on: the biology of stress
When we’re triggered by criticism, conflict, or stress, our brain activates the amygdala (our emotional centre). It can’t tell the difference between an ego threat and a physical threat, so it flips into fight, flight, or freeze.
Your heart races. Cortisol floods your system. Logical thinking shuts down. Your brain is trying to protect you, but it’s sabotaging your leadership
Step 1: Know your triggers
Start by identifying what sets you off. Triggers vary, but common ones include:
Feeling undermined
Receiving unexpected feedback
Being put on the spot
Dealing with uncertainty
Your reactions might include defensiveness, people-pleasing, shutting down, or overexplaining. The goal isn’t judgment. It’s awareness. Because what you can name, you can change.
Step 2: Intercept the instinct
In the moment, your job is to interrupt the stress response. Try these tools:
1. Physiological sighs
Two quick inhales through the nose, followed by a long exhale through the mouth. This helps rebalance your nervous system and calm you down fast.
2. Sensory grounding
Rub your thumb and finger together. Count your toes. Press your feet into the ground. These small physical actions bring you back to the present.
3. Breathe into the belly
Deep, slow breaths into your belly activate the vagus nerve and shift your body into “rest and digest" mode, giving you access to logical thinking again.
Step 3: Watch your thoughts
Often, it’s not the situation itself—it’s what we think it means:
"They think I’m not good enough."
"If I don’t prove myself, I’ll lose credibility."
These thoughts are driven by unhelpful beliefs like:
I must always have the answer
Conflict means I’ve failed
I have to be perfect to be respected
Interrupt these patterns by asking:
Is that true?
What else could be true?
What would I tell a friend in this situation?
As Dr. Tara Swart notes in The Source, the brain can’t tell the difference between imagined and real experiences. So if you rehearse stress, your body feels it. Instead, visualise calm, confidence, and clarity.
Step 4: Reframe the moment
Separate your identity from the moment. Instead of:
"I’m useless" say: "That was a tough moment. I can learn from it."
Instead of:
"They’re attacking me" say: "They’re questioning the idea, not me."
This mindset shift makes it easier to stay grounded.
Step 5: Build better habits
Self-regulation is a skill. And like any skill, it improves with practice. Try:
Tracking your triggers: Keep a short list of what sets you off
Noticing your reactions: What do you tend to say or do?
Using micro-pauses: Count "1, 2" before responding in meetings
Reflecting after a wobble: What happened? What would you try next time?
Celebrating small wins: If you handle something even 5% better, that’s growth
Bonus insight: Positive Intelligence
If you want to go deeper, explore Shirzad Chamine’s Positive Intelligence framework. It identifies common "saboteurs" like:
The Controller: "If I don’t take over, it won’t get done."
The Avoider: "Let’s just not deal with this."
The Stickler: "Everything must be perfect."
Knowing your saboteurs helps you catch reactive patterns early. You can take the free quiz at positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs.
Try this today
Think of a moment this week where you felt thrown off.
What triggered it?
What did your body do?
What thoughts ran through your mind?
Now, replay it. How could you have paused and chosen a different response? This isn’t about perfection. It’s about increasing your percentage of intentional reactions. Even a 20% improvement transforms your leadership impact.
Your leadership, your choice
Self-regulation is the foundation of good leadership. Not because it makes you calm and zen all the time. But because it allows you to respond with intention, instead of reaction.
Know your triggers. Interrupt the spiral. Reframe the story. Practise every day.
Do you want more support in building self-regulation into your leadership style?
Find details of my Leadership Accelerator Premium programme, or explore my one-to-one coaching at waterfallhill.co.uk.
And don’t forget to listen to the full How to Lead podcast episode wherever you get your podcasts. Because leadership starts with self, and this is one skill worth mastering.
