You know the situation; the work is getting done, deadlines are being met - on paper, everything looks fine.
But something feels off.
A team member is a bit short in meetings. A bit disengaged. Slightly negative in how they respond. Nothing you can easily point to as “wrong”, but enough to shift the energy in the room.
People start to notice. Conversations feel heavier, collaboration becomes slightly more cautious and others hold back, just a little. And as a leader, you find yourself wondering what to do about it.
Do you ignore it and hope it passes?
Do you call it out directly?
Do you adjust their workload?
Most leaders try a version of all three before they do the one thing that actually works. They have a proper conversation.
If you would prefer to listen rather than read, this topic is also explored in the episode How to Handle Attitude Issues of the How to Lead podcast.
Why attitude issues are often misunderstood
When someone’s behaviour feels difficult, it is very easy to label it.
“They’ve got a bad attitude.”
“They’re negative.”
“They’re hard work.”
The problem with that label is not that it is always wrong. It is that it shuts down your thinking. As soon as you decide what the problem is, you stop being curious about it. You move straight into fixing or correcting, without really understanding what is going on underneath. And in most cases, attitude is not the root issue.
It is a signal.
Something is not working, and this is how it is showing up. If you only respond to the surface behaviour, you miss the opportunity to address the real cause.
Start with curiosity, not judgement
The first shift is a simple one, but it changes everything. Slow yourself down and get curious. What are you actually seeing? Not your interpretation and not your frustration. Just the observable behaviour.
Are they quieter than usual?
Short in their responses?
Disengaged in meetings and then slightly sharp when they do contribute?
Then ask yourself a better question. What might be going on here? Because there is often something underneath.
They might be overwhelmed and not saying it.
They might be frustrated with decisions or direction.
They might feel unheard.
They might have something happening outside of work.
At this stage, you do not know. And that is the point. Curiosity keeps the conversation open but judgement closes it down.
Separate capability from behaviour
This is where many leaders get stuck. Because often, the person in question is actually good at their job.
They deliver.
Clients are happy.
Technically, they perform well.
So you hesitate. You think, “Do I really want to make this a thing?”
Yes. You do.
Because performance is not just about what gets delivered. It is also about how someone contributes to the team. If one person’s behaviour is affecting the energy in the room, causing others to hold back, second-guess themselves, or avoid speaking up, that is a performance issue. It just does not show up on a spreadsheet. Strong delivery does not cancel out the impact of behaviour. As a leader, you are responsible for both.
Say it early and say it cleanly
One of the most common mistakes is waiting too long. Partly because it feels awkward and partly because it is not always clear-cut.
So you wait.
And by the time you say something, you are already irritated. Which means the conversation comes out heavier than it needed to.
There is a better way.
Go earlier. And keep it simple. This is not a big speech or a character judgement. It is a clear observation of behaviour and its impact.
For example:
“I’ve noticed in a few meetings you’ve seemed quite disengaged, and sometimes a bit negative in how you respond. The impact is it’s affecting the energy in the room.”
Then stop. Let them respond.
You do not need to over-explain and you do not need ten examples. You just need to be clear enough that they recognise what you are seeing.
Stay curious in the conversation
This is the moment that determines whether the conversation opens up or shuts down. If you go in to correct, they will defend. If you go in to understand, they are far more likely to engage.
So ask.
“What’s been going on for you?”
“What’s been frustrating?”
“What’s not working from your point of view?”
And then listen.
Not waiting for your turn to speak. Not jumping in too quickly. Just listening. Sometimes the reason becomes clear straight away. Sometimes it takes a bit of space. But if you do not create that space, you will never find out. And without understanding, you are only ever addressing symptoms.
Be willing to look in the mirror
This is the part many leaders skip. It is easier to focus on the other person, but it is worth asking yourself a few uncomfortable questions.
Am I clear enough about what I expect?
Do I create space for people to speak honestly?
Or do concerns only come out after the meeting, through tone and behaviour?
And more broadly;
What is the culture like?
Do people feel safe to say when something is not working?
Or does it come out sideways, through attitude?
Because many so-called attitude issues are actually unspoken problems. If people do not feel able to raise concerns directly, those concerns do not disappear.
They just show up differently.
Be clear about what needs to change
Curiosity is essential. But it is not the end of the process. Once you understand more about what is going on, you still need to be clear.
You might say:
“I understand you’ve been frustrated, and that makes sense. At the same time, the way it’s coming across isn’t working for the team.”
Then be specific about what needs to change.
“If you disagree with something, that’s fine. I want to hear that. But I need you to raise it in a way that helps move things forward.”
This is not about changing who they are. It is about changing how they show up and clarity here is kind. Because it gives them something concrete to work with.
Know when to move from curiosity to accountability
Curiosity will take you a long way. But not all the way. There comes a point where you need to be honest with yourself.
If you have:
Taken time to understand what is going on
Had a proper conversation
Been clear about expectations
And nothing changes…
Then it is no longer about understanding. It is about choice. And that is where you step into accountability. Calmly, clearly and without drama.
“This is still happening, and it needs to change.”
No escalation. No emotion. Just clarity. Because leadership is not about avoiding difficult conversations. It is about handling them in a way that is fair, clear, and constructive.
What to practise this week
If this is something you are dealing with right now, here are some practical steps to take.
Write down the behaviours you are seeing.
Not “bad attitude”, actual moments and examples.Separate capability from behaviour.
Be honest about both.Ask yourself what might be going on.
Stay curious, do not assume.Look in the mirror.
Consider what you or the environment might be contributing.Say it early and say it cleanly.
Keep it simple, behaviour and impact.Have a proper conversation.
Ask, listen, and create space.Be clear about what needs to change.
And follow through.
These are small shifts. But they make a significant difference in how these situations play out.
Final thought
You do not solve attitude issues by managing around them, or by trying different tactics and hoping something works. You solve them by understanding what is underneath, being clear about what needs to change, and creating an environment where people can show up properly.
That is the balance.
Clarity, care, and curiosity.
If this is something you are navigating right now, it is explored in more depth in this week’s episode of How to Lead.
And if you’re ready to handle situations like this with more clarity and less hesitation, this is exactly the kind of shift we work on inside the Leadership Accelerator Premium programme. It supports you to turn insight into action, so these conversations become something you lead well, rather than something you avoid.
