Conflict management and tension in the workplace. It’s one of the most common – and often most avoided – challenges for leaders. If you’re a CEO founder or a team leader striving to balance empathy with authority, it’s time to reframe how you see conflict. Because when handled well, it’s not just manageable – it’s useful.
In this post, I’ll take you through a fresh way to view conflict, why it often feels so uncomfortable, and the tools you can use to handle it with confidence and clarity.
The Bad Manager Approach (And Why It Doesn’t Work)
Let’s start with a cautionary tale. Meet Linda – my alter ego and classic bad manager. Linda’s strategy for dealing with conflict? Avoid it at all costs.
“I haven’t spoken to Susan for three and a half years. Works quite successfully. Other than when we have to collaborate. Then it’s a bit awkward.”
Sound familiar?
By dodging conflict, Linda creates an atmosphere of tension, poor collaboration, and blame. Projects suffer, team morale drops, and resentment festers. Leadership isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about stepping up and navigating it.
What Is Conflict, Really?
Let’s bust the myth that conflict is all drama and raised voices. One of the clearest definitions I’ve come across is this:
Conflict is simply the gap between expectation and experience.
It’s that moment when someone promised a report by Friday and Monday rolls around with nothing in your inbox. That’s it. No need for thrown staplers – just a gap. The real issue is how we respond to that gap.
Why Conflict Isn’t the Enemy
Handled well, conflict is a goldmine. It highlights different perspectives, challenges assumptions, and surfaces new ideas.
Imagine a team where everyone always agrees. Sounds peaceful, right? But also – dangerous. You’ll miss blind spots, overlook better options, and reinforce bias. Disagreement, when welcomed, leads to smarter decisions and stronger relationships.
Sometimes the best working relationships even start with a bit of tension. That honest conversation can actually build trust and deepen understanding.
Why Conflict Feels So Hard
Despite the benefits, many leaders avoid conflict. Why? Here are a few common reasons I see in coaching sessions:
Fear of escalation: You worry it’ll blow up into an argument or office gossip.
Lack of confidence: You’re not sure what to say or how to say it without making it worse.
Emotional baggage: You’ve had a bad experience before – maybe your old boss shut you down when you spoke up.
Fear of fallout: You’re worried it’ll harm relationships or your reputation.
Cultural differences: What feels honest and direct to you might feel brutal to someone else.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
A New Way to See Conflict Resolution
I love this reframe:
Conflict resolution is a shared struggle toward a creative outcome that preserves the dignity of all parties.
Let’s break that down:
Shared struggle: This isn’t a battle to win. It’s a problem to solve together.
Creative outcome: You’re building something new, not reverting to old habits.
Preserving dignity: No one walks away bruised or humiliated. Everyone feels respected.
This mindset shift is especially powerful when reviewing projects that didn’t go as planned. Don’t ask, “Who messed up?” Ask, “What can we learn? How can we improve our systems?”
Practical Tools for Managing Conflict
Here’s how to put that mindset into action:
1. Separate the Person from the Problem
It’s not you vs. them. It’s us vs. the issue. Focus on the situation, not personalities.
2. Shift Your Language
Swap blamey phrases for constructive ones:
❌ “You never meet deadlines.”
✅ “I’ve noticed we’ve had a few challenges meeting deadlines recently.”
Use “Yes, and” instead of “No, but” to keep conversations forward-focused.
3. Be a Perspective Collector
Ask, “Can you help me understand what happened from your point of view?” Genuine curiosity defuses tension fast.
How to Approach a Difficult Conversation
Here’s a simple conflict conversation framework:
Schedule it properly. Don’t ambush someone by the kettle. Book a quiet time and space.
Start with curiosity. Open with questions, not accusations.
Listen more than you speak. Really hear what’s being said.
Focus on solutions. What’s the fix – not who’s at fault?
End with clarity. Agree clear next steps and who’s accountable.
Communication Tools That Help
Try the SBI model:
Situation: “On Friday morning…”
Behaviour: “…I noticed that the report hadn’t been submitted.”
Impact: “…which meant we missed the client deadline.”
Stick to the facts like a sports commentator, not a critic. Describe what you observed, not what you assumed.
Use active listening:
“What I’m hearing is…”
“It sounds like that was frustrating.”
“Could you explain more about…”
Leading Through Tension
Great leaders don’t ignore conflict – they manage it with care, clarity, and compassion. When you shift your mindset from “conflict is bad” to “conflict is useful,” your team will thrive.
Create an environment where differences are welcomed, not feared. Focus on learning, not blame. And remember – preserving dignity is the secret ingredient to resolving tension effectively.
If you’d like help navigating conflict or other leadership challenges, I’d love to support you. You can download my free Intentional Leadership Guide or explore my coaching programmes for a more tailored approach.
Here’s to leading with empathy and authority.
