Holding one-to-ones

Holding effective one-to-ones. This is what we'll be talking about today on how to lead the podcast for CEOs, founders, and leaders who want the perfect balance of empathy and authority. I'm Kate Waterfall Hill, and I'll be sharing some ideas from over 30 years of working in business and leadership development

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So let's kick off with my alter ego, Linda, the bad manager, and see how she approaches holding one-to-ones.

“It's your one-to-one right now, is it? Oh my goodness. No, I can't possibly. Sorry. I've got a clash. I've got a very important meeting I've gotta go to. Yeah, we'll have to catch up, um, maybe next week or the week after. You wanted to know if I had had any ideas of your career pathway and where you might be going next?

Um, no, I haven't really thought about it at all actually. No, but, um, we could chat about it now if you really want to. It's your one-to-one now, is it? Um, yeah. Come on in. Yeah, abs absolutely fine. Not a problem at all. No. I've gotta leave in about six minutes for another meeting. But that'll do it won't it?

Don't need more than that. You want to do a one-to-one? Well, you need to put it in my diary in there, don't you? Oh, you think I should come to you and ask you for an appointment? No, no, no. You book it in my diary. I haven't got new slots in my diary for another six or seven weeks. Right. Um, okay, we'll just speak to Vale, see if she can squeeze something in.

I'm sure I've got like a couple of minutes in between appointments. It's your one-to-one this afternoon. Um, have you submitted your self-assessment? You have. I haven't had time to read it yet. Do you think we could maybe postpone it so I could have time to have a really good look at it? Thanks. It's your one-to-one.

Um, I haven't thought about it at all, but nevermind. I'll just make it up as we go along. Have I got any idea of the objectives I want to set you? No,”

I thought it might be a good idea to actually start with the basics here. What exactly is a one-to-one? Well simply put, it's a conversation between a leader and each individual team member. Not necessarily a scheduled one, not necessarily a formal meeting, but any sort of interaction between a manager and their direct report.

It's dedicated time that should be protected and prioritized. A space for discussion, feedback, development, and building your working relationship.

Unlike team meetings or project updates, I encourage leaders to hold one-to-ones that focus entirely on the individual, their work growth challenges and how you can support them. One-to-one meetings might seem just like another calendar item to tick off, but they're actually one of the most powerful tools in your leadership arsenal.

These regular check-ins with team members can transform engagement, productivity, and your working relationships, or they can become dreaded, unproductive sessions that both parties can't wait to escape. The difference lies entirely in how you approach them. So I'm going to talk in more detail now about what makes a truly effective one-to-one meeting.

Firstly, let's consider what's at stake here. One-to-ones aren't just about project updates, they're about building trust, developing your people, and creating that psychological safety that's really needed for innovation and honest communication. When done well, these meetings can boost retention, identify problems before they escalate and help your team members develop professionally. Setting the right tone is crucial from the moment you begin. Many leaders rush into these meetings, distracted checking their phones, or immediately launching into their own agenda. This immediately signals to your team member that they're not your priority.

Instead, I really urge you to prepare and be fully focused. Review your notes from previous meetings. Consider what you know about current projects and be mentally present. Set a positive tone by creating a comfortable environment, whether that's a meeting room, a casual coffee shop, or even a walking meeting, if that suits your team member's style.

But always begin with a warm welcome and an open question. Just something like, what's on your mind today?

or what score would you give yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of how happy you are at work? This gives your team member permission to be open and honest with you and candid about how they're really getting on the structure of your one-to-ones really matters.

I urge you to have a good agenda. So you might include some work related updates, but approach through questioning rather than demands. But make sure you make time for personal development discussions. Also, give them time for feedback, both giving and receiving a space to celebrate successes and understand why they happened.

Then an honest exploration of the challenges they're facing and what they have or might learn from that, and then crucially end by asking what they need from you. Okay. One of the most common mistakes leaders make is dominating the conversation.

Remember, this is primarily their meeting, not yours. A good rule of thumb is that your team members should be speaking for at least 70% of the time with you asking questions, reflecting and occasionally offering guidance. If you have somebody that speaks too much, you might also want to give them some parameters and make sure they focus on what they need to get out of that particular meeting.

Okay. When we're talking about questions, they are your most powerful tool in a one-to-one, because good questions unlock insights, prompt reflection, and empower problem solving.

You might like to get some guidance from a really good book, and I recommend this one, the Coaching Habit by Michael Bunge Stanier. So he talks about these main seven questions.

I am just going to give you a quick run through the seven questions, but you need to read the book to find out a bit more detail. So the first one is what's on your mind? Lovely opening question, and then he suggests that you ask. And what else? And this often reveals the real issue when you get from somebody their second or third answer, it can be quite revealing then what's the real challenge here for you?

That sort of focuses the mind on something specific. What do you want? Helps people understand actually what they would like. because sometimes people don't know that or think they don't know that until you ask the question. Then how can I help? Really open question that gives people the opportunity to actually say what they need.

The next question he suggests is if you're saying that yes to this, what are you saying no to? Which is a good question for all of us actually.

And then the last question is, what was most useful for you? This prompts some good reflection on what's just happened. So when it comes to providing feedback in one-to-ones approaching it with the right mindset makes all the difference. Always asking open questions first, to understand the other person's perspective and validate the positive before suggesting improvements.

Phrases like, you know, what would've been even better, rather than focus solely on what went wrong. I encourage you also to use statements like I notice rather than absolutes, like you always or you never, these tend to put people on the defensive and always ask for their suggestions on how to improve.

They often have the best solutions to their own challenges. There are lots of structured feedback models that you could try. SBI is a well known one. Situation, behaviour impact. So you say. at this meeting, you talked over the top of Susan and the impact was that she didn't speak for the rest of the meeting, so really clear.

Then there's coin - connect, observe impact, next steps. Cedar - Context examples, diagnosis, action review. So a little bit more complex version of SBI effectively. So you give the situation, the context, you give examples, you give the diagnosis what you noticed, but then you also talk about the action and when you're going to review it.

These are all great models, but mine's even better. Mine is called, SOEROC, situation, observation, even better, results, options, check-in. I'm going to go through them in a little bit more detail just now. S-O-E-R-O-C, starting with the situation. So like in SBI, you say, I noticed. And then, say the specific example that you saw, rather than just a generalisation.

Give them the observation, what you noticed, and then ask them to suggest if they can think what would've been better. If they can't, or if they're struggling to recognize that this was an issue, then you can say, well, what might have been even better was, or what would help you get even further along in your career?

Or, you know, something more, encouraging. Then talk about the results. So what did they notice? What was the impact of their behaviour and what might the impact of their positive behaviour be? And then look at options. Ask them to make suggestions of what they could do next. And then this is the really crucial bit, the check-in.

So this is the C of ROC. Make sure that you have a check-in to see how they're getting on and how that improvement is getting embedded. making sure that the new habit sticking or the new way of doing the process is working. And with the agreement of the other person make a regular check-in point and make sure you stick to it.

Each of the models I've talked about provide you with a framework that helps deliver feedback that's specific, actionable, and balanced. But I would say that mine's best. So let's talk about what to avoid in your one-to-ones.

Really try to avoid blaming or criticism.It tends to shut down open communication. Also, really let the other person speak, give them space. So if you interrupt them, it just signals that you value your own thoughts more than theirs. also try to avoid questions which lead the other person. So sometimes when I'm, trying to help somebody coach somebody else and I talk to them about asking open questions, they struggle with it because they end up saying, have you thought about talking to her?

Thinking, oh, well that's a good question, but actually it's just advice dressed up as a question. So make sure that you're not pushing your own agenda, what you're actually doing is seeking their perspective. So what might you do next?

What would feel comfortable to you? What would you do if you had no fear? Those open questions where it's just asking a question that's actually a statement with a question mark at the end isn't what we are looking for. Most importantly, avoid talking more than you listen.

What about those times when somebody just closes up those awkward silences that sometimes happen in a one-to-one? If somebody is reticent to speak to you, then be patient, you know, rushing to fill the silence often prevents deeper reflection. Again, use open questions

And offer support without pressure. If someone seems demotivated, then really try to listen actively and work together to identify the cause, and then set clear expectations for moving forward.

Another challenging situation is when somebody asks for something that you just can't give them. So handling these sorts of requests, like more resources or a role change, or more flexibility, I urge you to approach these with honesty. Offer alternatives when you can't say yes, and always provide feedback that recognizes their achievements and hard work.

And don't be too afraid to address tension or conflict. You know, letting issues simmer only makes it worse. So for leaders who feel time pressured, which is probably all of you. I still urge you to set some time aside to do one-to-ones whenever you can.

Even a 10 minute conversation can be valuable if it's focused. So you might like to just have these four questions up your sleeve. What's going well? Where are you getting stuck? What have you learned and how can I help? and if you've got time, ask them what ideas or suggestions for improvements they've got.

So these questions can really help bring to the surface the most important information quickly and keep those lines of communication open.

If you have a line manager who doesn't want to see you for a one-to-one because they're too busy, then I suggest that you use that framework, successes, challenges, ideas, and where you need help. in a regular communication with them, just by email, if you need to, weekly or monthly at least it puts down in writing.

What achievements you've made over the period when it comes to reviewing your performance. So ultimately, effective one-to-ones aren't about complex techniques. They're about genuine human connection. They're about creating a space where your team members feel heard, valued, and supported to do their best work.

They're about balancing your authority as a leader with the empathy needed to understand and develop the people who make your organization successful.

Before we wrap up, then here are the key points for effective one-to-ones. Be prepared and be fully present. Create a comfortable environment with a positive tone. Ask questions first. Talk less. Listen more. Consider using a structured model for providing feedback where you need to.

Really look to avoid blame criticism and interrupting and be prepared for challenging situations like silence or requests. And even short meetings can be valuable with the right focus. One-to-ones aren't just meetings. They’re relationship building opportunities that can transform your effectiveness as a leader and the performance of your team.

That's all for today's episode of How to Lead. Until next time, keep leading with clarity, care, and curiosity. If you've enjoyed this episode, do follow for more leadership insights and remember if you'd like my personal support, take a look at my website, waterfall hill.co uk. For more information about my one-to-one coaching and the Leadership Accelerator Premium programme, there's never been a better time to take your professional development seriously than right now.

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Until next time, thanks for listening.