Giving feedback

How to give feedback. Kind, clear and useful feedback. This is what we're going to be talking about today on how to lead the podcast for CEOs, founders, and leaders who want the perfect balance of authority and empathy. I'm Kate Waterfall Hill, and I'll be sharing some ideas from over 30 years of working in business and leadership development.

Before we start, don't forget to check out my book, How to Lead, my group coaching programme, the Leadership Accelerator Premium, and my one-to-one and team Coaching services at www.waterfallhill.co.uk. Places are strictly limited and sell out each month. So do book now for yourself or for your team.

So let's talk about feedback. So many people say they'd like feedback, but when you ask them when they last gave any, they go a bit quiet. Feedback gets a bad name because we associate it with awkward conversations, possibly complicated HR forms, dare I say it, or a list of things you are not doing well.

But when it's done right, it's one of the most generous things you can offer. So today we're going to talk about how to give feedback that's useful, kind, and helps people grow without it feeling like criticism or conflict. But let's start with Linda, the bad manager, and see her go through how to give feedback.

“What's the best way of giving feedback? Oh, being direct and clear. I absolutely believe in that. I mean, feedback's so important. It helps people grow, develop, know where they've gone wrong. I'll give you an example if you like. Mira did a presentation last week, to be honest. It was a bit all over the place.

She missed a key in sight. Client looked a bit confused, so I could have taken her to one side afterwards and said, yeah, thanks for putting that together. There was some solid thinking in there. What would be even better next time would be to sharpen up some of the insight up front and tighten up the close.

How do you think you might give it more impact? But what I actually did was in front of other people say, that didn't hit the brief mirror. It wasn't nearly strategic enough. What were you thinking? I expected more frankly. See, I like to be honest and upfront. I mean, she cried a bit, but honestly we've all been there.

The sort of feedback is character building. Rachel tells me that people like their feedback to be a bit more motivational and a bit more specific and delivered so it doesn't feel like you're crushing their soul. Do you know what? I think it's not about them. It's about how I feel, and I want to feel like I'm the cleverest person in the room and frankly, if they want praise, they can go somewhere else.

I'm not their mom, am I?”

Let's have a look at why feedback is actually kind. It's kind in the same way that you'd tell a friend if they had spinach on their teeth before they walked into a big meeting or went on a date.

If you don't tell them it's not really kind, is it? It's self protection. You're feeling awkward, so you don't say anything. But actually telling them would be the kindest thing to do. And it's the same at work. If someone's making the same mistake over and over again, if they're upsetting colleagues or if they could do something more effectively.

And you say nothing, you are choosing short-term comfort over long-term care. And that's not leadership. It's avoidance. Good feedback is a real gift, And I'm not talking about sugarcoating the feedback here. I'm talking about giving feedback that helps people improve. It helps them succeed, it gives them the information they need to be better. But often it's not about improving the person, it's about improving the process and how things are done.

We'll take a look at that in more detail shortly. But why do we avoid giving feedback? Here are a few of the common reasons why leaders avoid it. We don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. It's understandable, but avoiding it doesn't make the problem go away.

It keeps coming back. And actually it's quite annoying for you as a leader having to deal with the same issues over and over again. Perhaps we're not confident that we'll say it. Well, it might aggravate the situation or make life awkward, but that's fixable. I'm going to give you some language in a minute that really works.

Maybe you are worried about their reaction. Again, if you approach it with care and clarity, most people appreciate it. Perhaps you're feeling a little bit frustrated, and if you give feedback in that head space, It's quite likely to come out as blame or judgment rather than support.

So the trick is to separate your intention from your emotion. Your intention is to help. Your emotion might be irritation. Lead with the former, not the latter. Let's start with curiosity, not criticism. So before you give feedback, start by asking open questions.

This isn't about catching people out, it's about understanding their perspective and actually hearing their thought process, it might uncover something you haven't thought of. So you might say, how do you think that went, or what was your aim with that approach? What felt easy and what felt challenging?

You'll often be surprised. People are more self-aware than we give them credit for sometimes. And if they name the problem first, your job's a whole lot easier. If they don't just tread carefully.

There are lots of models out there which are usually lots of letters. So there's SBI situation, behaviour, impact, Coin, CDA, and they can all be useful depending on the situation. but the one I recommend to my coaching clients is SOEROC, S-O-E-R-O-C.

It's structured enough to keep you grounded, but flexible enough to sound human.

I created this framework from all of the best bits of the other ones. S in. SOEROC stands for situation when and where did it happen? So be really specific. Observation is the O. What did you see or hear? Not your judgment, but your observation E is even better.

What would improve it? This is about possibility, not punishment. R is result, what impact did it have on others? The outcome, maybe even the perception O is options. What could they do differently next time and check in.

And C, when will you follow up? So situation, observation, even better than result, options, check in. So let's look at a real world example. The situation was in Tuesday's, client presentation. I noticed you rushed through slides five and six and didn't pause for questions. you handled the opening really well, and it would've been even better if the data sections had felt more grounded.

The client asked for a follow-up meeting to clarify the figures, which could have been avoided. What could you do differently next time to build more confidence in that section? And how about we catch up after your next presentation to see how it went?

This approach isn't confrontational, it's not vague, it's constructive specific, it future focused. I really like the even better framework it just works so well. So instead of what went wrong, it really changes the tone, it signals, I'm on your side. I believe in your ability to improve. And this is a developmental conversation, not a disciplinary one.

I. This makes it easier for the other person to stay open instead of becoming defensive. And it also changes your language and approach. if you know that you are searching together for something to be even better, it's much more likely to not feel like, oh gosh, I've got to go into this tricky, awkward conversation with so and so.

It's, I'm going into this conversation to help improve the situation. other language changes you might try are using words like I notice rather than you always.

So when you're giving feedback, it's really easy to slip into generalizations. You're always interrupt people. You never meet deadlines. everyone thinks you're difficult to work with. These sorts of statements can be inflammatory and are often actually untrue.

They also make the other person feel attacked, so instead you could try. I notice in the team meeting you spoke over James a few times. I noticed the report was sent two days after the deadline and we hadn't agreed a delay. you're giving them a mirror, not a label.

We've talked here about giving feedback to your direct reports, but giving feedback to your boss or your peers Is every bit as important, but sometimes feels harder.

If you've ever had a senior stakeholder derail a meeting or a colleague take credit for your work, and you've said nothing, you're not alone.

Here's how to handle those situations using the same principles. So ask permission. Would you be open to some feedback from last week's meeting? Be specific. when you cut across me during the q and a. I felt like it undermined my point. Own your perspective. I might have misread the moment, but it left me unsure about how to continue and then invite reflection.

Can we talk about how we manage the q and a together next time? It does take courage, but it also builds trust, builds your leadership positioning and is especially useful when you lead with curiosity rather than blame

as with nearly all leadership practices, it's about creating a habit because if you have avoided feedback for a long time, it might feel hard to start, But you need to start somewhere. it's practice, not a performance. So if you only give feedback once a year in a performance review, it's going to feel awkward for you and for the other person as well.

But if you build it into your day-to-day leadership, it becomes more normal. So saying things like, Hey, quick bit of feedback. That intro is brilliant, really clear. Hey, can I offer a small observation from that session? Or what did you think of how that went? Anything you'd tweak. Frequent feedback keeps people learning without it feeling like a big deal.

And there's nothing worse than getting feedback nine months after the event.

I know some people work in organizations where feedback just isn't normal. It's not part of the culture. It might feel rare or risky, and you can't change the whole culture overnight, but you can model what good feedback looks like. Start with your team, make it safe, be specific, be kind, ask for feedback yourself, and normalize that sense of growth, that it's okay to try stuff, maybe fail, learn from it, and move forward.

You probably know in your heart of hearts, the best leaders aren't the ones with all the answers. They're the ones who help people improve week by week, moment by moment.

So let's wrap up with a few key takeaways. Feedback is kind avoiding it isn't. Start with open questions. Let people reflect before you jump in, assess the situation and how self-aware they are, it'll help you then potentially use a framework. My one is so rock, S-O-E-R-O-C. It helps you structure your thoughts, say what you noticed, not what you assume, or what you've been told.

Because that might not be true. Focus on what would be even better, not what was wrong. Give feedback regularly, not just when something breaks. be brave enough to give feedback upwards and sideways too. And remember, the goal of feedback isn't to be right. It's to be useful.

One last tip before I sign off. Really try to avoid the word, but so when you're giving feedback, it's really easy to say. The presentation was great, but slides four and five were rubbish. A better way to say that is. The presentation was really great and it would've been even better if the slides four and five had been clearer.

that's my challenge to you now, is to avoid the word, but in sentences, people tend to forget the good thing you said before the but, and just focus on the negative stuff you said after it. So that's all for today's episode of How to Lead. Until next time, keep leading with Clarity, care, and Curiosity.

If you've enjoyed the episode, do follow for more leadership insights. And if you'd like my personal support, do take a look at my website, waterfall hill.co.uk. You'll find more information about all my coaching programs there. There's never been a better time to take your professional development or that of your team seriously than right now.

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