Empathy v Authority

Empathy versus authority and finding the right balance. This is what I'll be talking about today on How to Lead the podcast for CEOs, founders, and leaders who want clear tools, techniques, and strategies to help them lead well so their teams thrive and results follow.

I'm Kate Waterfall Hill, and I'll be drawing on over 30 years of business and leadership development. Before we dive in, a quick reminder, if you find my approach helpful and want to go deeper, you'll find details of all of my services on my website. There's my book, my accredited online course, the How to Lead Digital Academy, my accredited group programme, the Leadership Accelerator Premium, team workshops, or even one-to-one coaching. Just visit waterfallhill.co.uk.

Today we're talking about one of the hardest but most important balancing acts in leadership, empathy versus authority. And it's a question I hear so many times in coaching conversations. How do I stay empathetic and human without losing authority or, or even being walked over and if I push too hard? They resent me. But if I don't push enough, then nothing gets done. And this tension sits right at the heart of leadership. Lean too far towards empathy, and you risk losing authority, lean too hard on authority, and you risk losing trust and becoming just like Linda talking of which, shall we have a look at what Linda has to say about this balance between authority and empathy?

“Being liked and respected at the same time. Well, yeah, it's tricky, isn't it? Balancing authority and empathy. Yeah. If I'm too empathetic, people think I'm a pushover, don't they? And anyway, it takes too much time. Listening to their SOB stories can't really be bothered. And then if I'm too authoritative, they say I'm scary.

Make complaints, raise a grievance, even awful. So I end up in the middle. Apologizing whilst telling them off at the same time. Yeah. The other day I said to Alice, I'm really sorry to do this to you, but do you think it could work for the whole weekend? I mean, only if you can, but Yeah, you need to. Yeah.

Honestly, it's exhausting. I mean, I just want 'em to like me and do exactly what I say.”

She's not quite got the hang of it. But anyway, how do you strike the right balance and more importantly, how do you apply it in real life when the stakes are high and there are people watching? First of all, why it matters.

Leadership has always been about balancing people and performance. Yes, of course you need results, but you also need people motivated enough to deliver them. The mistake many leaders make is treating empathy and authority as opposites, and they're simply not. They're complimentary.

You need both. You need empathy to connect and authority to direct. Without both, your leadership might well falter.

And there's research to back this up. The Harvard Business Review shows that employees who feel heard and understood are more engaged and productive at the same time. Gallup's Global Workplace studies reveal that clarity of expectations and accountability are the strongest drivers of performance.

Put simply empathy without authority feels good but goes nowhere. And yet authority without empathy gets compliance but not commitment. The sweet spot is leadership that feels fair.

Secondly, the two leadership lenses. One way I often explain this is by thinking of leadership as two overlapping lenses, so the people lens and the performance lens with the people. One, you've got empathy, listening, coaching, and care with the performance. One, you've got clarity standards, follow through decisions, and great leaders learn to toggle between them sometimes in the same conversation.

Imagine this. Someone tells you they're overwhelmed with workload, that it happens to you most days.

Through the people lens you listen carefully, acknowledge the stress and show genuine care. Then you switch to the performance lens.

Thanks for sharing that, let's prioritise what matters most so the deadlines are realistic and importantly still met. Both lenses are essential. The art of leadership is knowing when to lean into one and when to overlay both.

So what do I mean by empathy and what does it look like in practice? Because it isn't sympathy. It isn't, oh, poor you. It's the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes and genuinely see their perspective in the workplace. Empathy looks like listening properly and importantly, not interrupting.

It's also about asking questions that dig into what's really going on without prying, of course. And then acknowledging emotions even when you can't fix them. Showing patience with someone's learning curve because we're all different.

Take Mary Barra, CEO of General Motors. When GM faced a massive recall crisis in 2014, she didn't hide behind legalese. She apologised directly to customers and families affected, listened to victim stories and acknowledged the pain caused. That empathy didn't mean she excused the mistakes, it gave her credibility when she took tough corrective action.

Perhaps have a think about a team member underperforming. An empathetic approach doesn't mean ignoring the issue because they've had a tough time at home, for instance, it means recognising the difficulty, offering support, but still addressing performance.

As Brene Brown, the leadership expert reminds us, vulnerability and connection are at the core of courageous leadership. That doesn't mean oversharing or becoming your team's therapist. It means acknowledging humanity at work.

Now, turning our attention to authority, what does that look like in practice? Well, at its best, it isn't about command and control, but it is about clarity, consistency, and courage, it shows up when you set clear standards and boundaries, when you hold people accountable fairly and consistently when you make tough calls, even when it's an unpopular choice.

And then you also need to provide direction when there's uncertainty and role model professionalism under pressure.

Indra Nye. I hope I said that right, former CEO of PepsiCo exemplified this. She was warm and empathetic.

It was said that she wrote personal letters to the parents of senior leaders to thank them for raising such talented people. But she was also uncompromising in driving the performance with purpose strategy, steering PepsiCo towards healthier products despite pushback.

That's empathy and authority in tandem. When you exercise authority in this way, people don't see you as the boss throwing their weight around. They see you as someone who can provide structure and keep things moving.

As always, there are traps that we tend to fall into because struggling to strike the balance is hard. You're not alone. So here are some of the classic missteps I see people make over empathy. Because you want to be liked, you might want to avoid tough conversations. Maybe you soften feedback so much it becomes meaningless.

Or you excuse under performance because you know they've got a lot on.

I see people doing this all the time. Maybe you pick up the slack whenever your team slips because you don't want to add any pressure. The short-term effect is that people like you, but the long-term effect is you get into a situation of burnout and you end up resenting your team because they become increasingly dependent on you to solve everything.

So the kindness that you give them actually holds them back.

Another one I see often is over authority. Perhaps you're afraid of chaos, so you clamp down, you micromanage, you dictate, you make unilateral decisions. I see leaders who want to run every meeting, make every decision and demand sign off on everything, but the result is that the team stops contributing ideas.

They just wait for instructions and innovation flatlines, and the leader becomes more isolated than ever and neither extreme works. The healthiest leadership is firm, but fair, kind, but clear.

So how about a framework? Big fan of frameworks, listen, decide, communicate. So when you're facing a difficult situation, here's a three-part approach. First of all, listen with empathy, give space for the other person. Reflect back what you hear. Even five minutes of being genuinely heard can deescalate 80% of workplace tension.

Then decide with authority. Make a call that serves the wider team or organisation because even though not everyone will like it, that's okay. Your job isn't to keep everyone happy. It's to lead well and make the right decision. And then thirdly, communicate and importantly, do this with clarity and kindness.

So be direct, but not brutal. Explain the why, acknowledge the impact, and reinforce the fact that they have got your support.

So for example, you might say to your team once you've listened to everybody and then made a decision. I appreciate your honesty and after weighing everything up, I've decided we're going to move ahead with X. I know that's not what everybody hoped for and I'm going to support you through it. Nevertheless I'd like your commitment to help me see it through. That's balanced leadership.

Here are some simple ways to apply this balance tomorrow morning. So try the 70/30 rule. When you're in a one-to-one, aim for 70% listening and 30% talking, it naturally tilts you towards empathy. Try that tip of yes and instead of no but language. So acknowledge feelings and then add direction.

Yes, I see this feels overwhelming and I believe you can handle it if we break it down. Let's do that together and then an authority check-in. So before key meetings, ask yourself. Am I softening the message too much or am I sounding too rigid? And then make the right adjustment.

And then another tip is to have a boundaries audit. Write down your non-negotiables, the standards you'll always enforce. Then note where you can flex. Boundaries aren't selfish. They make leadership sustainable.

I've talked about boundaries in a separate podcast, but just to touch on it here, they're not about being harsh. They're about being clear on what you will and won't accept. They protect you, but they also protect your team from inconsistency. So examples you might use, I'll always listen, but I won't accept disrespect.

I care about how this affects you, and I still need it by Friday, and I'm happy to talk, but not at 10:00 PM. When leaders blur their boundaries, empathy curdles into resentment. Boundaries allow you to stay kind, fair and consistent.

Some other examples of where people have found the right balance, in my opinion of authority and empathy.

You might remember the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern, who did a great job during COVID, while also during the Christchurch Mosque shooting, she showed visible compassion rowing a headscarf while meeting grieving families, saying they are us. At the same time, she exercised swift authority moving quickly to tighten New Zealand's gun laws, empathy and authority side by side.

Satya Nadella, Microsoft. I've mentioned him in previous podcasts. When he became CEO, he shifted the culture from one of internal competition to one of collaboration and learning. He regularly talks about the importance of empathy as a driver of innovation, but he's also been clear about accountability, restructuring teams, and driving performance.

Microsoft's transformation under his leadership is testament to the power of combining both.

Even the most well-intentioned leaders can sometimes lean too far one way and it can go wrong. So one example is when you're so close to your team that during performance reviews, you can't be honest with them. Everyone gets glowing, reviews, even under performers, and it looks kind, but it actually creates resentment among the high performers.

And then you get leaders who feel like they need to be authoritative. So they dismiss people mid-sentence with, leave it with me. They think they're being efficient or even leadery, but actually the team feels unheard and turnover tends to spike.

Too much empathy or too much authority. Both can backfire.

So bringing it together, then empathy builds trust, authority builds respect, but together they build loyalty. Teams want leaders who see them as human beings. also who provide clarity, direction, and consistency. And that combination makes people say, I'll go the extra mile for this person because they understand me and they lead me well.

So it's worth reflecting which side do you naturally lean towards and where could you stretch to bring more balance.

Before we wrap up, here are a few prompts that might help you reflect on this subject. In my leadership style, do I lean more towards empathy or authority? When was the last time I softened feedback too much or avoided a conversation altogether? And when was the last time I lean too hard on authority and left someone feeling unheard?

Where in my week do I default to empathy instead of clarity and what message do I want my team to always hear from me, regardless of circumstances?

What are my non-negotiables as a leader? Where could I bring more empathy into daily interactions without losing clarity? And what conversation am I avoiding that I need to have this week? Not only will your team members feel more motivated, but you'll feel calmer and more in control too, if you can get this balance right.

That's all for today's episode of How to Lead. Until next time, if you want to avoid being like Linda, keep leading with clarity, care, and curiosity. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do follow or subscribe, whatever it is for, more leadership insights. And if you'd like my personal support, take a look at my website, waterfall hill.co.uk for more information about my range of coaching services.

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