Boundaries

Boundaries, setting them and keeping them. That's what we're going to be talking about today on how to lead the podcast for CEOs, founders and leaders who want the perfect balance of authority and empathy. I'm Kate Waterfall Hill, and I'll be sharing some ideas from over 30 years of working in business and leadership development.

But before we start, don't forget to check out my free resources, my book, and the range of one-to-one group and team coaching services I offer at waterfallhill.co.uk. Today's topic is one that every leader struggles with at some point, boundaries, or more specifically, lack of them.

Let's start as ever with Linda, the bad manager, my alter ego, and see what she has to say.

“I don't get it right. You get promoted and you're supposed to be all sort of strategic and have time to think and stuff like that. I'm as busy as I've ever been. I mean, the higher up the ranks I go, the busier I seem to be. I've got so much to do, and I have all the, all the range of things I have to do.

It's so complicated. But you know, I just have to keep on ploughing through. Dunno how I'm gonna manage it now. I'm not gonna change how I do things. I've just gotta keep going, haven't I? Just gotta keep working hard, doing longer hours, putting in the effort and you know, hopefully it'll come right in the end.

I could take a different approach. Well, like what? Prioritize a bit better. Yeah. It is difficult to prioritize when you've got things coming in at you from all angles all the time. But, um, yeah, I suppose I could try that. What else you got? Any other bright ideas? Delegate? Yeah, I could automate Hmm. Make things more efficient.

Simplify things. Hmm. Maybe actually stop doing some of the stuff that doesn't need doing. We've just always done it that way. Right. I could postpone some projects. Or actually just say, I can't do it, just decline doing it. Just know my boundaries a bit better. Yeah, no, I think I'll just carry on like I'm, 'cause all of those things sound like they might need some effort.

You know? I have to put some thought into it. That sounds a bit taxing and actually just takes up a lot of time, doesn't it? No, I'll just plough on like I am. I'll get there in the end, won't I?”

Yep. Linda doesn't really have any idea about boundaries, but we can do better than her, can't we? So, first of all, let's define them. They're simply the invisible lines you draw to protect your time, energy, and importantly, your wellbeing. They help you decide what's okay and what's not, what you'll take on and what you won't, how you'll be spoken to.

What your working hours are and where your responsibilities begin and end.

These boundaries aren't rules. They're agreements, if you like, with yourself and with others about what you need in order to do your job well and stay sane. But why do we struggle with them so much? I mean, they sound simple enough, but they're incredibly hard to put into practice and keep to, and the reasons we struggle with them is often deeply human.

You might recognize some of the reasons why boundaries are so hard to keep. It might be that you have a fear of conflict. You don't want to upset anybody, so you like to say yes. You might be looking for approval all the time, and that's also another reason it's hard to keep boundaries. You might feel a sense or a pressure to be seen as capable and saying yes seems the easy way to do that.

You worry that you'll be seen as difficult or selfish even. Perhaps it's about job insecurity, that you're worried that if you say no, your job might be on the line. And underlying all of this is habitual people pleasing.

It can be born out of a belief or a way of working a habit that you've had for your whole life, and making a change can be really difficult. There's also another reason is that it's culturally normal. It's what is expected. It equates exhaustion with commitment and is seen as some sort of badge of honour not to have boundaries, but then the most important one, the most likely reason that I see people lacking boundaries is that they lack clarity on what their boundaries even are. And all of these reasons are completely valid or completely understandable, but also not a reason to keep sacrificing yourself on the altar of other people's expectations. The cost of weak boundaries is a huge, great, big list.

When you don't set or hold boundaries, you can find yourself completely over committed, feeling resentful, actually missing deadlines because you say yes to everything and can't meet them all. You're emotionally exhausted, you feel stressed, maybe even anxious, Then ultimately it leads to burnout. There's also some reputational damage if you do actually drop the ball because you can't do everything. And also your teams are often really frustrated because they don't know where they stand with you, over time, there's a gradual erosion of competence, clarity and credibility.

Boundaries are not selfish. They're actually strategic. They protect you, your team, and your outcomes. So the benefits of healthy boundaries are numerous. Let's flip that script because when you do set healthy boundaries, here's what becomes possible. You're better at time management. You have clearer priorities, and so do your team.

They understand where they're heading. There's more focus and a better flow of work. You improve the trust in your team. There's more honest communication and a more sustainable energy. better boundaries often lead to greater creativity and innovation.

There's a stronger sense of identity at work and crucially, your modelling healthy leadership for others. So in short, boundaries make you more effective, not less. How do you set them? That's the next question, moving from theory to practice. There are three stages to boundary setting. First of all, you've got to know what they are, so we need to define them.

They need to tell people you need to communicate. So if you say it out loud, you're more likely to listen to yourself, but so will everybody else. And then you need to maintain them consistently. So taking each one in turn, start by asking, when do I feel most stretched or resentful? where do I consistently overextend myself?

What would I like to be doing differently and what's non-negotiable for me to function well? you might realize from asking yourself these questions that the real issues of things like you're always the one to pick up the slack. You are constantly available on email and that's interrupting your social and family time. You're taking on tasks outside your role and you're saying yes too quickly. So if you define the line, it's much easier because if you can't name your boundaries, you can't expect anyone else to respect them.

So just start with one or two. This is a really good tip because if you try to go from having no boundaries to being really boundaried, people might wonder what's up? So it's not all or nothing. Focus on the ones with the biggest emotional or logistical cost. Pick one or two and practice.

Secondly, communication. This is the bit that some people tend to skip and then wonder why nothing changes, because a boundary isn't a boundary unless it's communicated otherwise, it's just a hope or an intention. It's a bit like wanting to lose weight and just saying to yourself,

I'd like to weigh less. but carrying on eating the same way as you were before and not doing any exercise, funnily enough, you'll get on the scales and you'll still be the same weight. This is what happens to me. So here are a few ways depending on the situation. First of all, time boundaries. Take a look at your diary, and decide when you want to be available for meetings. And then tell people, just say, I'm available for meetings between 10 and four.

Outside of that is focus time. Or I won't be responding to emails after 6:00 PM unless it's really urgent. Feel free to call me or send me a WhatsApp if it's truly time sensitive. Otherwise, I'll get to it the next day. Then there's task boundaries. That sounds like a priority, you might say, but I'm currently focused on X and Y.

Which one would you like me to pause then? Emotional boundaries. I'd really like to hear your concerns, but I'd appreciate it if we kept the tone respectful.

And then clarity boundaries. So you might say something like, I'm unclear on how this fits with my role. Can we talk about what you're expecting from me here? So be clear, be kind, be calm. Then maintain these boundaries consistently. This is probably the hardest bit, and I do get that because people will test your boundaries.

Not always maliciously. Sometimes it's just by habit because they expect you to be the person that says yes, and now you are starting to rewrite that narrative. You know, they're used to that certain pattern. So your job is to hold the line. If you say, I'm unavailable after six, and then reply to every message at 8.45, you're training people to ignore your boundary because you are too.

If you agree to every request and then vent about it later, that's not setting a boundary. That's just outsourcing your resentment. Boundaries don't work. If they're only enforced when you're at breaking point, they have to be part of your daily rhythm.

Lots of people talk to me about how difficult it is to set boundaries, particularly when they exhibit people pleasing tendencies and people pleasing is one of the biggest saboteurs of healthy boundaries, and it's surprisingly common in leadership. Why is that? Well, because leaders are often good at helping.

They take pride in being reliable. They don't want to let people down, and they've been rewarded for going the extra mile maybe since their school days. But certainly it's one of the reasons why maybe they got their promotion, but the cost is high because you say yes when you mean no. You carry other people's workloads, you neglect your own goals.

And you can end up feeling resentful, but saying nothing, and then you would just end up feeling stretched, maybe leading to burnout, but somehow you keep smiling. If this sounds familiar, if you're nodding along, I'd really love you to consider this question.

Who's paying the price for your avoidance of discomfort? Because often it's you and the people around you. Including your team. How do you start a new habit of unpleasing people without getting into trouble? here's a short strategy. If this is you, first of all, name the pattern, noticing it.

Say to yourself, I'm saying yes because I want to be liked, not because I have capacity. Two, reframe the belief saying no, doesn't make me difficult. It makes me clear and practice saying no lightly. I can't take that on at the moment, but I'd be happy to review it next week, or I'd love to help, but I'm focused on X right now.

And then let go of their reaction. Because not everyone will love the fact that you are being better with your boundaries, and that's okay. It's not your job to manage their emotions, only your own. And lastly, celebrate the win. Every time you uphold a boundary, you're strengthening those leadership muscles that we need to train to be better.

Each and every day, even when we're under stress and pressured for time.

I'd like to talk specifically about boundaries as a leader, because as a leader, you are not just managing your own capacity, you are also setting the tone for your team. If you're sending emails at midnight, cancelling your one-to-ones, or picking up everyone else's work, don't be surprised when your team does the same or gets confused.

Good leadership boundaries look like. Being consistent in your communication, saying no to things that dilute your team's focus, modelling, rest and recovery, and encouraging your team to protect their time and finally, making expectations and responsibilities.

Crystal clear. I talk about clarity quite a lot for a reason. So boundaries create trust because they create clarity. I. If you want to strengthen your boundaries, perhaps you can try these things this week. Start small. Three actions you can take. First of all, audit your yeses for everything you said yes to last week.

Did you mean it? What would you do differently if you had stronger boundaries? If then pick one new boundary. Choose one small boundary to implement and tell someone, make it real. Then practice that one boundary phrase, write it down, rehearse it, and use it repeatedly and it'll become normal. So something like that doesn't work for me right now, or I can't commit to that, but I hope it goes well or let me get back to you once I've checked my capacity.

And the important thing is that you model this for your team consistently. So not only. When you are asked to do work as an individual, but when your team is assigned work that doesn't feel right, that doesn't fit in with the role of your team, then you need to stand up for them. You need to advocate for your team.

So boundaries are a leadership skill that keep you focused, sane, and sustainable. They're not about saying no to everything. They're about saying yes to the right things. So in summary, you build boundaries by getting clear on your limits, communicating them calmly and clearly. Holding them consistently and noticing where people pleasing might be getting in the way.

Leadership isn't about being available all the time. It's about being discerning. The best leaders don't do it all, and they don't try. They do what matters, and they protect the space that makes it possible. That's all for today's episode of How to Lead. Until next time, don't forget the best way to avoid being like Linda, the bad manager, is to lead with clarity, care, and curiosity.

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